Counterfactual Satire: Justin Warner Mocks Trump's "What Ifs?" About Andrew Jackson
It’s not
often that I have the opportunity to report on satirical riffs on
counterfactual history. But my colleague Steve Weitzman at Penn (a contributor to What Ifs of Jewish History) kindly directed me to a hilarious LIST produced by Justin
Warner for McSweeney's of “historical
tragedies and the people who might have prevented them had they not died
sixteen years prior.”
Given Donald
Trump’s sloppy use of counterfactual history, I’m leery of the claim that there’s
no such thing as bad publicity for the genre.
But in the case of Warner’s satirical list, I’d like to think that it
may inspire further examples of counterfactual creativity.
For the
record, as the list entirely abandons plausibility in favor of demented
non-sequiturs, I feel liberated from having to assess any of the scenarios from
a critical perspective.
Enjoy!
HISTORICAL TRAGEDIES AND THE
PEOPLE WHO MIGHT HAVE PREVENTED THEM HAD THEY NOT DIED SIXTEEN YEARS PRIOR
[Trump] made the puzzling claim that Jackson “was really angry
that he saw what was happening in regard to the Civil War.” But Jackson died in
1845, and the Civil War didn’t begin until 16 years later, in 1861. — Los Angeles Times, May 1, 2017
- - -
Civil War: Andrew
Jackson (d. 1845)
Attempted Assassination of King Umberto I of Italy: Martin van Buren (d. 1862)
Hitler Invades Poland: Warren Harding (d. 1923)
9/11: Henry
Cabot Lodge (d. 1985)
Portrayal of James Bond by George Lazenby: Josef Stalin (d. 1953)
Hindenburg Disaster: Frederick Martin, English cricketer (d. 1921)
Introduction of New Coke: Dwight D. Eisenhower (d. 1969)
Great Chicago Fire: Charlotte Brontë (d. 1855)
The Black Death: Some guy in France who almost invented penicillin but also
liked feeding rats (d. 1330)
Pliny The Younger’s Poorly Reviewed One-Man Show About Losing
His Father In The Eruption Of Vesuvius: Pliny The Elder (d. 79)
Fukushima Nuclear Accident: Howard Cosell (d. 1995)
Replacement of David Lee Roth with Sammy Hagar: E. M. Forster (d. 1970)
Replacement of Sammy Hagar with Gary Cherone: Paul Lynde (d. 1982)
Replacement of Gary Cherone with David Lee Roth: Dr. Seuss (d. 1991)
Inauguration of Donald Trump: Oddly enough, Morton Downey Jr. (d. 2001)
Inauguration of Mike Pence: Dolly the Sheep (d. 2003)
Everything About The Handmaid’s Tale Coming to
Pass Except the Environmental Stewardship: Planter’s Cheez Balls (discontinued 2006)
Death of Last Living Thing On Earth: Definitely either Bowie or Prince
(d. 2016)
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